I received an email yesterday that began like this:

Congratulations Michelle!

Your blog, Careful Confessions has been selected to receive the First Class Blogger Award. Your blog was chosen by a committee of three bloggers who feel Careful Confessions exemplifies what a great blog can be. It is our belief that first class blogs are more about the effort and time the owner puts into their blog and less about its page rank or number of visitors it gets.

Needless to say, I was beyond baffled because I didn’t remember signing up for anything like this. And then I realised my blog was chosen, which blew my mind even more. Suddenly, I felt like Harry Potter or Ash Ketchum.

Thank you, First Class Blogger Committee for establishing such a committee at all and giving me this award of excellence which I still don’t think I deserve. But I’m glad there are people who enjoy reading my blog enough to present me with an award. I am more than honoured to receive it.

I would also like to take this chance to thank all my readers for, well, reading. Your views have been great encouragements for me to continue with this blogging effort. Granted, all I ever talk about is my school life, my books, my dogs and me but thank you for taking the time to read about…me. I just put whatever thoughts and feelings I cannot express in real life into words here so you can understand more about…me. Not the most informative or even relatively entertaining blog in the world, but thank you for caring, anyway. I love all of you.

*ends acceptance speech by shedding proud tears while blowing kisses into an imaginary crowd of spectators*

http://firstclassaward.wordpress.com

(Translation: I am born → Kindergarten years → Primary school years → Obtain 7As in UPSR → Get into Cluster School SMKSA → Study hard and obtain 8As in PMR → Study harder and obtain 14A1 in SPM → Further studies in Melbourne or London → Take up English Literature course → Publish my first book → Start a book series (think the Harry Potter franchise) → Win a “Bestsellers Award” (unfortunately for 14-year-old me, it doesn’t exist) → Find someone to settle down with → Give birth to kids who in turn give birth to more grandkids → Live happily ever after.)

I was randomly going through old school stuff when I stumbled upon my Sivik workbook in Form 2 in which I found this flowchart of my planned future written by a 14-year-old self three years ago. Besides the incredulity and hilarity, I also felt kind of sad. Number one: because I realised the high hopes we had when we were young are just that, hopes. To think that I once wanted to take up 14 subjects and get all straight A pluses! Of course, I’m not saying that I don’t want that now, but I still think getting more As doesn’t make you cleverer than everyone else. Contrary to what was pointed out during an SPM seminar I attended in school last Saturday, I still think a student who gets 13As isn’t stupider than a student who gets 14As, and vice versa. It’s sad how everyone judges everyone by the number of As one gets. If anything, the additional subjects you take up might not even be related to your future career so really, what is the point?

Being 14 years old must really be a bliss. No real worrying about the future yet; actually thinking that I am able to pursue language as a major course; no one to stop me from dreaming big, and when I say big, I really mean big.

Number two: the future I had planned for my life sounded dead. Acing all the exams, taking up my favourite courses, winning all the awards, start a great family and live happily ever after.

It’s always up, up, up, win, win, win.

Your whole life is only about achievements and nothing else. Dead achievements.

And to be honest, that’s how my real life is turning into now. I’m turning into a robot programmed to take this exam, take that exam, and get As or distinctions in all of them. There’s nothing else that matters more than doing good in these things because that’s only the right thing to do.

How I wish I’d inserted “start a pet shelter” or “travel around Europe with my parents” somewhere in that flowchart. That would’ve been nicer. Made it sound like I wasn’t defining my life through my exam results and topnotch career.

I can already see it you know, being that “topnotch” doctor or whatnot, living in a huge mansion, coming home from work everyday to a husband who works just as hard as I do, and also all the medals and trophies that declare my greatness.

I don’t want that life.

I’m being shameless when I say I’m most parents’ and teachers’ favourite because I do well in exams. I get top in class almost every year since I started school. It’s not an easy feat but I did it.

But do I take pride in it? It’s often a “no” for an answer.

When you start going up, there is no going down, because once you drop even a teeny bit, no one forgives you. And as you continue with the effort, you realise that you’re not doing all these for yourself, you’re doing these for others. You’re not living your life to please yourself, you’re living your life to please others. There is no point in anything else anymore because that’s what everyone expects of you. People look up to you and admire you — and they want you to stay there. There is no breathing space, no stop-and-rest station along the way. You want to be a writer? Hah, no way! Take up science and be a doctor instead!

Who doesn’t want to constantly get good grades? Who doesn’t want to get a good job and live a good life? It’s all very fine and dandy that one wants it -I want it, but I want it for myself. I can’t live a future that is constantly controlled by people other than myself. I can’t have people telling me I should be so-and-so when I grow up and making decisions for everything in my life. I am aware that I make wrong choices, but I’m seventeen, I’m old enough to make the most basic of decisions. And even if I do make the wrong decisions, that’s what falling and picking yourself up is all about, right?

Not doing good in school is a pain; doing really good in school is also a pain and they will always be pains when other people interfere. All I wish is for people to stop being too judgmental and controlling.

This was supposed to be an introspective post but now it’s turned into a ranting one. I apologise.

I was inspired by WordPress’s blogpost on blog projects so I decided that this year, Careful Confessions will not be filled with posts only about Michelle’s emotions and feelings and weird outlooks but also posts on Project More.

What is Project More?

The “More” in Project More is a combination of the words “monthly” and “recommendations” to form the phrase “monthly recommendations” and that is exactly what it is! Each month, a post will be dedicated to book, album and movie recommendations. Simple as.

I also like to think that Project More will be able to introduce more great books
(“more     great books” and not “more great     books”, just to clarify), music and movies to more people out there. Great things deserve to be shared with everyone else. So, stop tacky vampire YA novels, horrible teenybopper music and Razzies-worthy movies!

Of course, while everyone has their own opinions, and not everyone will agree with my recommendations, I would also like to make it known that this project is not created merely for other people; it’s created for myself too. Perhaps one day I might want to go through all these posts and re-indulge in the glory of each masterpiece; or guffaw at my different outlook then. Whatever it is, it’s totally fine if you’re not happy with these recommendations because you’re not obliged to like them and thus not obliged to express your extreme disagreement. I am okay with debates and discussions but comments like, “OH MY GOD THIS IS CLEARLY THE WORST BOOK RECOMMENDATION POSSIBLE GOD YOU ARE SO STUPID YOU NEED TO GET OFF THE INTERNET” will be happily ignored.

Just a little paranoid of negative feedback, is all.

If you haven’t noticed it yet, there is a little Goodreads’ 2012 Reading Challenge widget on the right sidebar and one of my 2012 resolutions is to read 50 books this year, as stated in aforementioned widget. It’s only 50 because this year is SPM year.

I would also like to announce two new pages to Careful Confessions:

• The Next Change 2011 is the page about the YNN Camp I was talking about since a few posts ago. It is now up and running, complete with relevant photos and videos, so if you’d like to read about my 3-day job as a real videographer and that time I was almost killed by a durian, click the link above!
• Michelle’s Booklist is exactly what it is, my booklist. It is a list of all the books I want or need to read and this booklist also corresponds to my Reading Challenge so you’ll know what books I’ve read for the challenge.

I know both the project and challenge will be sort of a hindrance because it’s SPM year and I shouldn’t be doing anything but studying for SPM…but that’s just it. I don’t want 2012 to be a year of studying only. Because contrary to what most of the teachers think, I personally don’t believe that SPM should take over an entire year of our lives. A year; there’s a lot of things you can do in year. Yes, SPM is greatly important, but I don’t want to succumb entirely to an examination. I want to be able to say that I’ve done something I like and am proud of by the end of the year (besides doing well in SPM, of course…but that’s not the point).

This is such a strange post. I’ve never blogged about this kind of thing before. Oh well, like they say, there’s always a first time for everything.

Little update on school: I have more or less gotten back some threads of motivation for the past few days. Ironically, I find being in Form 5 classes more comfortable and enjoyable than Form 4 classes. I’m even anticipating Add Math tuition later! The sheer horror of it!

Michelle, at 6 in the morning.

“Adik, adik tingkatan berapa?”

“Um…tingkatan lima.”

The conversation above took place between a parent and I when I was assigned to usher parents who brought their Form 1 kids for registration today.

I actually hesitated for a few seconds before admitting that I was in Form 5. Which sounded absurd even to my ears at the time. Since when did I become a senior?

I’m not even exaggerating when I say it seems like just yesterday that I was the frightened little girl with short hair who was a ball of tangled nerves under the curious stares of everyone else the first day I stepped into Asma. And then I thought of my days back in 1 Kedah, 2 Asma, 3 Asma and 4 Negeri and where the heck did they go? They just flew past at the speed of light without warning. It was as if there was a huge gap between the moment I first entered secondary school and the moment right then. It couldn’t have been four years already. It just didn’t seem possible.

And throughout these four years, I’ve witnessed different batches of seniors preparing and finally sitting for SPM, and I’ve thought of the day I will be in their exact same shoes too, but the thought of it has always seemed vague and far away, almost light years away. And now it’s here and to be frank, it’s hard to think of myself as a senior. I’ve always been the one who needed taking care of, the child who needed help in almost everything she did, but now it seems that I can’t be that way anymore because I’m almost a grown-up now and I need to learn to grow up and be a lot of things I’m expected to be instead of what I am now. It still frightens me that I only have a year of being a kid left until I leave the house and my family to live alone in concrete jungles or wherever it is away from home.

I’m looking at the huge stacks of books with “SPM” labels on it which I have on my table right now, thinking that in 10 months time, all of this would be of no use, would be thrown away and never retrieved from the depths of the garbage pile again, and then that’s when my stint in Alor Setar would be over this time. It just doesn’t seem right.

Suddenly, I’m taking roads down memory lane back to the time of the internship, camp and even Christmas. Anything beats this right now.

I’m lacking the motivation and optimism I promised myself last year that I would have at the beginning of SPM year. Hopefully with just the right amount of tuitions and classes, I’ll be able to get into the right mood again.

On the bright side, at least I’m still in 5 Negeri, hey!

I would also like to thank God that I was born in 1995 and not 1996 because then I would have to study all three pure sciences and Add Math in Malay and be forced to take up Mandarin in SPM. Yes…you heard that right.

Because it’s pretty hypocritical that there are huge celebrations all over the world to welcome the new year. I’m pretty sure most people in the celebrating crowds aren’t even happy that a new year is arriving. It’s not even exactly a reasonable cause for celebration. Because after all the parties and celebrations, we stop rejoicing for a moment to realise that nothing’s changed. Nothing has gotten better. And yet we are celebrating it as if something good will happen every day. We wish each other happy new years but we all know it’s bullshit. What’s the point of wishing one a “happy” new year when you know it’s impossible to have a “happy” year? No matter what, shit will always happen to counter against these happy wishes. So really, what is the point?

If anything, New Year’s Eve should be spent introspecting and fixing paths for ourselves to take in the new year.

I don’t know. I’m not making sense. This frustration and crankiness is mostly due to fatigue and I’ll probably wake up tomorrow thinking that I’m being stupid now but I don’t really care. I normally wouldn’t post this kind of stuff here but Twitter is down and Facebook is the worst outlet possible to channel your emotions through so this will have to do.

You’re probably cursing my pessimism but I’m being honest when I say I don’t really have anything to look forward to in 2012. It’s just one of those moments when I’m too tired to even think. So I shall stop thinking. Yes.