y’know i can justify why and where this low self-esteem came from. it is a product of daily interactions with other human beings. contrary to popular belief, it is not something one chooses to have and can be discarded with a simple one-sentenced advice of “be more confident”. it is not romantic or something that makes you a “special snowflake”. it is utterly terrible and destructive and the worst part is, it is wholly ingrained in you and it takes a huge amount of effort to even dig it out and trash it. and thus it stays with you, for a very, very long time.
as mentioned, it is the product of interactions with other people you see everyday. why is it that i always end up saying the wrong things? what did i do differently that these people choose to stay away from me? why do i second guess and analyse everything in conversations? what should i do instead if mirroring other people’s actions won’t garner the same results for me as it is for them? why is it i invest and depend so much on other people? why can’t i allow myself the ability and trust to believe and depend on myself?
i am grateful. truly i am. i think i am just afraid the people i love will not be able to stand my shit and leave me. and that is truly the greatest fear of all.